So, when I’m scared or emotional, what do I do? I write. Though, usually those written words aren’t in the public eye. These are. And please, do keep in mind, when I do write these, my opinions and statements can change. I tend to write when I am processing tricky feelings or anything I’m unsure about. So often, you are seeing my thoughts play out, more or less, as it happens. And what has happened? Red light baby! And, no, not the sexy red light district red lights. Red light of, we’re fucked Covid is here in Wellington baby! Woo! Fuck.
So, yes. It’s finally happening. I am for the first time going to be affected by Covid personally. I’ve been privileged up till this point that the jobs I had, had the subsidy. My income kept coming and was more or less guaranteed regardless. This is basically a first response panic word vomit as my last day on the job will be 31st Jan. Then I’m on my own. I’m having my own damsel in distress moment. All of the doubts are coming in strong. And I’m having a: you’re stupid for quitting moment. Even though staying at that job is affecting my health and this is for the best. I so badly want to throw a tantrum, cry, panic, scream in scared, anything. But. Not a lot of good will come from that, plus I’ll just make a mess, a mess of me, feel more shit, and Covid and the red light will still be there. All in all, unproductive. Writing a blog about it, well not much more productive but at least it feels a bit more… Something.
Long story short. I’m genuinely scared. But still that useful kind of scared phase where you’re just a bit more alert and cautious scared. Not full out panic, run screaming in circles scared. Yet. I’ve been in some, stuck in a hard place type spots but always managed to get by, by the skin of my teeth. So, I’m quietly hopeful that I’ll skim by somehow. Plus, I’m better (not by much) at asking for help. I am an only child, pretty much always been alone, and have an extremely small family. I just try and deal with things on my own. It’s just how I’ve done things and how it’s been. So, reaching out. It almost hurts. I’ve gotten better at it. I’ve had to. However, it’s still very unnatural.
Red light doesn’t mean I can’t do sex-work, no I can still work, however, is there going to be any work? Also, with covid running around in the open. My health is everything now. Obviously, not only does it affect money, but also health. So double whammy. I’m also just scared to get it. My health hasn’t been the same since the first lockdown we had (illness wasn’t covid related), and my body is extremely worn down. To the point where any stress affects me physically. It’s so bloody frustrating! It’s been over a month now that I’ve stop working out properly at the gym because I’m exhausted and feel weak, but not gyming makes me feel like garbage as well. So, great cycle 10/10.
The whole point of me quitting my job was for me to be able to heal. I just seemed to have chosen a piss poor time to be completely run out. The tank is as dry the Sahara. She’s got no more pep in her step chief. So, rich Sugar Daddies please apply within (half joking, though your girl could use an steady allowance right now to make things feel more stable). Maybe I should buy a lotto ticket, I’m sure that will fix everything (note a hint of sarcasm).
Whining and fear aside. I am excited underneath it all. The news of the red-light change has just scared me and overshadowed it a little, but the excitement is still there. I mean, I’m quitting my job and doing life my way! Hopefully a lot longer than a few weeks (when money runs dry) but how exciting is that! I have lots of things I want to achieve now that I have the time, and when my energy returns, I’ll bloody have the world as my minuscule, but still mine, oyster. I want to do photography projects (I’m a film photographer at heart) and want to create zines and a book this year. I want to write; I have two short stories in the works and would love to make the blog a more consistent feature. I want to finish my degree! I have one damn paper left! And I want to do more leather work and see if I can sell some of it. Plus, I have all the rest of my furniture to sand, stain, and varnish. Which is not a small job, as I keep bloody finding fantastic second-hand pieces at the op-shop to gothify.
Also, I finally, finally, get to go somewhere. I mean it’s not a real vacation, but I’m going to Whangarei for a week to visit family in February. So, that will be nice and refreshing. I’m planning to do a personal photo series and make a book. It is where I grew up, so returning now as an adult, after almost a decade, I feel like it would be a great opportunity to reflect on my life. Visit my Pa’s grave. Visit old haunts. And just see how far I’ve come. Because oh boy, I’ve come so far since I was that girl in Whangarei. It’s been a wild path. And I wouldn’t choose another.
In the spirit of asking and getting over it. If you do want to help out in any way, I have a Wishlist: https://www.wishtender.com/charliequinn where anything is highly appreciated. Thank you regardless for reading this far. And I truly hope you are all well and staying as safe as possible <3