Tweedle dee, tweedled dum, the year has just begun. And toodle doo to the year that has just been done.
Seriously, what the fuck. The past year. It came full circle last Monday for me when I saw tall, dark and handsome again. Since then, I’ve been quite contemplative. Took some time off after to reminisce. Last year around this time I was a "civilian", working seven days a week, not being able to make ends meet, in therapy with a penis phobia. Oh, how a year can change things. Now I’m a full-time sex worker, enjoying my time and work, allowed and able to take time off, and can pay for things that I need. Not to mention, the body positivity I’ve gotten, the mental freedom, some form of financial stability and finally healing my relationship with my sexuality. My life has done a one-eighty, and I’m hoping I can just keep on this path for a while. It was interesting to see and book Mister again, especially now that I’m playing on the same side of the field. It was a lot more relaxed, and I felt afterwards that I could close that chapter of my life, and start writing a new chapter. I’m very curious to see where it goes. As of right now. I have no plan. I’m just kind of in a ‘just existing phase’. I’m just focusing on getting those savings up and enjoying the ride. After so long of grinding in the existential meat grinder and it never getting anywhere, I don’t think I can even handle any form of plan right now. And that’s bloody allowed. I finally have no one looming over my shoulder saying that what I’m doing isn’t good enough because I’m not bleeding for the job, even though I’m a quote “hard worker” (I don’t think I’ll ever be able to let that one go), and half the shit they demand of me is outside my job description for minimum wage. Now that I’m out of it, I can’t see how I ever would have been able get out of depression if I had continued on that same path. I was also able to afford going private to get an ADHD assessment. And I was right but also there was more to the story. ADHD and Autism. Buy one, get one free. My life is starting to make much more sense now. Would have never been able to get a diagnosis, had I not met the people I have or the funds to do so. The medication has also just validated that there was nothing I could actually do, in regards to “cheering up”. My brain just has a natural imbalance, so thinking happy thoughts and just focusing, has its very real limits. So, a big fuck you to everyone in my past who just told me to get over it, when they saw me struggling. Cheers. Yes, there is a lot of anger in my depths towards the past but I also can’t change the past, nor do I have the energy anymore to dig into it. I’ll work on it slowly in the background.
So, thank you to everyone that’s come and seen me so far. It’s been an amazing, terrifying but interesting journey, and it’s one I would love to continue for some time.
If you'd like to send me a small treat: