That time I was the provider

Seeking arrangements, heard of it? I did a few years ago. I can’t remember quite the way I did. But I remember feeling envy at those who found themselves a rich man who’d just throw money at them. And by them I meant: thin, young, attractive blondes, “who got everything handed to them”. Oh wah, wah my younger self. I did have major depression at that time in my life, so my viewpoint was horrendously skewed. I actually cringe now when I remember some of the judgements I held but as they say, with age comes wisdom. And also, I see a shrink. It helps. I got smacked in the face by humble pie when I realised how much effort these girls put into themselves. It is not just handed to them. Now I aspire to be them. I want to look after myself like they do and have the self-respect that they have. So, something pulled at me to look at Seeking again. Since I had booked an escort, I’d gotten incredibly curious as to their side of the fence. Cash incentive, may, have been the carrot on the stick to hop the fence but I was already starting to climb it from curiosity. But hopefully, curiosity doesn’t kill the cat because I am a Leo. Fuck.

I honestly didn’t think anything would come from Seeking. Even though I hold no judgement towards attractive blondes anymore, I’m not one, as I carry a little weight still, am going to be on the muscular side and I’m 31. Who’d want that? So, ah, yeah. Self-worth is still a thing I’m working on haha. Work in progress shall we say. Turns out my life experience comes in handy when it comes to talking to people. This old hag can hold a conversation! Which to people that knew me years ago, when I did not talk, would most likely find it hard to believe. So, I joined. Set me profile up and got hammered by messages. Well, it felt like a lot when I wasn’t expecting a thing. The comment I got repeatedly was, you sound like a real human. Now I’m very interested in seeing the other side of this site. Even though it states no escorting on the site rules (which made more sense when I realised it’s an American app), sugaring is very much still escorting. In my opinion. You’re getting paid for your services and time, even though it’s not (usually) per hour, it’s the same principal. I mean I’m hired for my time and services doing my normal jobs seven days a week. So really, society is just plutonic escorting. But instead of getting it doggie style, we’re getting fucked hard in so many other ways.

Also, who ever said men can’t multitask is a big, phat, liar. They can be at work and be horny sexting you at the same time. Is that a normal mode for guys?! How on earth do you focus! I’m imaging you sucking my dick under the desk right now, you naughty little slut. “Oh, hey Ben can you just file these in the invoices for this month”. Truly. How. A few naughty texts has me forgetting what I’m doing, and suddenly I’m in my bed with my Hitachi. It’s been interesting. So, I ended up meeting a few people quickly, first guy was super horny in messages and wanted to meet up for a drink. Which I did and it was hilarious, and he turned out to be a kitten not a lion in person, I think I scared him a bit. Whoops. Though he keeps looking at my profile still. Make up your mind Dave! Second one, he actually knew who I was, but I couldn’t remember him at all, which potentially could be a bit dangerous, but I wanted to know this person who knew me. I have some thoughts I’ll keep to myself on that one. For now. I realised because of these, I’m good at conversation. I had a few tinder dates leading up to this which I’m glad I did. It prepared me for meeting people from online. I only get a tiny bit anxious, but it disappears quickly.

I think the main worry was, will I be safe? And I shouldn’t admit this but I’m not concerned about it. I guess that’s just my skewed view after having been sexually assaulted and assaulted before. It taught me that I lived through it, and I can live through it. Since then, I also have done MMA for two years, so I guess I have some confidence in that I can break an arm if I have to. The thing I’m most concerned about is my medical health. Medical stuff scares me, but most of it is about common sense. Mental toll and emotional labour? Not really worried either. If I need time off because of it? I’ll take it. I simply don’t have to do it. Perks (and privilege) of still working normal jobs. Scared of stigma? No, it says more about them than it does me. Though I haven’t experienced it yet. Which may change that answer. The one thing I’m worried about is work finding out, and not for the reasons you’d think. I just don’t want to deal with it, I don’t care what they think of me, just, ugh the pompus bureaucracy and dancing around the bush bollocks. It’s so fucking annoying. If I lose my job? Well, I have two, and then hopefully I’ll have some regulars at that stage. I’ve lived off $20 a week for all groceries for months and barely could pay rent before, and I survived that too. I think I’ve just struggled enough and survived everything thus far to make me not worried about most things. Which I’m only just realising this as I write it.

So, my first serious sugar daddy prospect on Seeking is flying me up to Auckland! For my birthday! Whhaaaatt? I’m still lost at how this is happening?! It happens next week (of writing this), and I’m genuinely excited. I haven’t done anything for my birthday for years and suddenly this lovely man is flying me to Auckland to pamper me?! What is my life right now. I don’t even need to put out, apparently, this is just to meet him and say hi. Though, birthday spanks are always welcomed. Always. So that’s happening, but the one I wanted to write about happened last week. It was a spur of the moment, lets meet for drinks, I’m in town for the night deal. He put in an offer for if we clicked, and well. I took it. I’m still weirded out but how normal it came to me. I thought I’d feel something a bit more extreme than, huh, well I did that. Now I can buy stuff I need this week. It felt… Right? Dare I say. It was the first time I was both intellectually and physically stimulated at “work” before. I’m hooked. Boredom is my curse. I was not bored the whole time, I wasn’t even nervous. And the craziest thing (if you read my previous blog) I have him a handy. On my own accord. I touched dick voluntarily. Which is insane to me! I’ve come so far in such a short time. It was like constantly solving little puzzles, of how to continue the conversation, would he respond to this if I did XYZ. It was interesting. I want more. Why’d you become a prostitute? Because I found it interesting and intellectually stimulating. Huh. Didn’t see that coming.

There was also a moment that made me feel like I was doing the right thing. He was sitting on the end of the bed, and I was holding and straddling him from behind, just tracing circles on his chest. He drew a deep breath in and sighed, then completely relaxed. I can’t quite put into words at how that made me feel. Just, it felt right. Most of the men I have been messaging have been lonely. I guess that is the bulk of the trade. If I can levitate that feeling for a little bit for some of them, I would be happy. I have been there myself and it’s a horrible feeling. And if I can do it for a living, even more so. It’s also given me a shit ton of confidence in a small amount of time. The literal things I thought would turn people off, have been my selling point so far. I’m a bit chunky, some men love that. I don’t wear makeup, love it. I’m shy about certain things; they say, hey don’t worry. Sure, there will be that odd one that does care. But they’re in every job. I’ve never met more cunts than I have doing retail. This short experience is making realise, people don’t give a shit about what you do. Someone out there will like it, so might as well have fun, make people feel good, and make some cash doing it.