Traveling around and specifically going to Melbourne has made me realise how much I’ve outgrown Wellington, and possibly New Zealand. I feel very stuck in Wellington. Most of that will be in my own head though, but that can be enough. I don’t feel inspired anymore. You know when you’ve been stuck in a role for so long, that every time you try and change, the weight of that role just drags you back like a sinking ball and chain. Simple things like dressing up, just putting something nicer on to go shopping, what’s the point? I dressed up for no reason in Melbourne, and it felt good but I feel almost ashamed(?) to do that back home. There’s also such a bad Tall Poppy culture in New Zealand, got to stay average, not stand out and be humble to the point of self-deprecation. I hate it and yet I still do it too. There are also the layers of history in Wellington for me, which most of it isn’t pleasant. I feel like every corner has an association to a bad event or memory. I’m over that feeling of nervousness while walking around, that I might potentially bump into someone. People like my old best friend who screwed me over, or work mates and old bosses that weren’t the best. While yes, I’m working on it and I’ve come to the conclusion I don’t want to waste any more mental energy on them than I already have. It’s still hard to see them. I feel trapped.
Only problem is I’ve finally after all these bloody years, made some fucking awesome friends. For Pete sake, they’re my only hesitation at taking the first plane that will have me if I jumped ship to Aussie. Good friends are very hard to replace, though in the industry they seem to be partly built in. There’s a lot of crazy, but as they say, high risk/high reward? Lol. Hell, I’m definitely not everyone’s cup of tea either. Though I met some rad humans in the industry while I was there. Special shoutout to Woody (for getting me a Sexpo ticket) and his partner for being super lovely and welcoming. And Sir James for taking my Melbourne trip out with a bang! And Wellington, while a lot of bad is there for me, I’ve made leaps and bounds mentally while I’ve been there, specially since I’ve started sex work. I’m proud at where I’ve gotten to as I have fought tooth and nail with myself to get to this point. But I’m just starting and I feel like there’s not room to grow like I want too here.
That being said, I really want to get out of there, so as I’m writing this on the plane back to Wellington, I hope this fire under my ass I got during Melbourne stays hot cause I still have a while to go and work on things before I can jump ship. Two years I’ve pencilled in. Grind, work, save. I also want to create a photography business and diversify, though still all within the sex industry. I feel like I’m pretty decent at taking spicy photos and want to start offering that service to others. I want to learn how to do video and video editing. Which I’ll start with making my own promo video for my Ads. And there’s also a third thing I want to do, but I’ll keep that a secret for now. There’s a lot in the works but I’m just scared that I’ll lose that fire and momentum the moment I step off this plane. Slip back into that role that I’ve been fighting for years. So, tomorrow, when I got out for coffee. I’m going to wear something nice for no reason. And also, maybe buy some real pants instead of gym tights for the first time in years. You know personal growth and all that. Though, that might be a stretch.