Just cruising

So, I got extremely busy there for a bit and then naturally burnt out and I have yet to recover from it fully. My brain decided to give me a vacation in my dreams last night, and I was on a lovely cruise ship in the islands somewhere. I think I got the message. I also googled cruises when I woke up at 2am. Now I want to go on one, though I’m very wary of them re: covid days. Illness spreads like wildfire on those tin floaties. Apart from being very overdue for a vacation a side (I haven’t been on one since I was sixteen, hint hint. Omg please take me away). What have I been doing, where have I been and what do I have to complain about now? You know, the important things.

So, since the last blog, which was a life time ago, I got stuck working seven days a week for about three months. And no, not the fun sexy time job. Two, civvy, boring as hell regular jobs. Long story short, I wanted to get out of hospo. I got a job in retail. Person replacing me at said hospo job never showed up. I offered to stay on till they found someone else. New person called in sick for their first day. Then I end up staying on part time for some stupid as fuck reason. Which in the end I absolutely resented the retail job, holy crap I’ve never been so bored in my life (that’s a lie, but God it was awful). After two months, hospo boss offered a new position in the kitchen for me with dream hours (which spoiler, he didn’t give me). So, I decided to quit the retail job and come back full time into the kitchen. It was fun for about two weeks. Then I realised I had quit for a reason and wanted to leave for a reason. The retail job was so bad, to me, that anything was better than that. But upon re-entering the kitchen, I remembered; and in the words of the wise, this ain’t it chief. Don’t get me wrong, I can do it and I have done it, I can poach eggs like a god. But my heart isn’t in cooking. Me and food have had a strained relationship in the last year and a half because of dietary issues. It annoys me. Not to mention, I’m exhausted after a busy shift and I end up doing nothing that I want to do afterwards. Projects have been just sitting there because I’m using all my energy at work. Working is not my life. Sure, I take pride in my work ethic, but I’ve never cared about a career. Why would I want one defining thing in my life? I want to do many things. I like tinkering and pottering around, it makes me happy. Thanks to society, my boss sees potential in me as a chef and is disappointed in me because I’m wasting my potential not wanting to commit to the kitchen. It’s so frustrating.

Funny thing communication is, people think they’re doing it a lot more than they actually are. Or they just plain suck at it. I’m trying to work on mine, it is a skill after all and I wasn’t born a natural at it. I can talk, but when it comes to saying things I mean… Well, I can’t just say, “Yo, hang on for one hour while I compile a written response”. Though, I wish that would be a normal thing to do. Since you know, I have processing disorders and I struggle at times to take in things in the moment and respond. I wish bosses understood that, instead of seeing it as I’m hiding behind my disabilities when I mention anything mental health or disability related. No chief, I just have limitations, sorry that irks you. Try living with it. And feeling yourself hit a wall in your mind. Feeling your limit and knowing there’s nothing you can do to pass it forcefully is a test in patience and self-love. I’ve had to step back and not be so frustrated with myself. It’s downright poisonous, there’s no point. Very hard however, not to be frustrated. My boss tired communicating with me the other day, and I walked away feeling irritated and upset that I couldn’t communicate how I felt properly. He said things that weren’t fair, that an hour later I had a response to. Half the reason I don’t want to be there anymore is because he doesn’t communicate what’s going on with me. His memory is also terrible, he promises things and then promptly forgets because he’s trying to do to many things at once. I told him few weeks a go that my heart wasn’t in it (chefing) and he told me, he knows, he could tell and that he’s hired someone else already. Okay, where am I going to go? I have a life, I need to eat but that doesn’t’ seem to matter.

There is a definite riff between me and working at the moment, because I’m so tired, little hits feel like knock out blows. I’m done. I’m sick of it. That sounds like a precious princess tantrum, but I have my reasons. Working hard gets you nothing anymore, not at my class level. I just get fucked over because I actually do the work and then they exploit that. There’s no job growth at my level, not anything tangible anyway. There are no raises. There is no communication. I’ve put up with sexism, time theft, emotional abuse, denied sick leave. I’ve had surgery, minimum a month off and I got pulled into work two weeks later and I could barely walk to the mail box. I’ve been literally yelled about my boss’s mortgage. Rape jokes when I told them in confidence that I was starting therapy for a sexual assault. Watched my colleagues get abused. List keeps going. I’m done. If society wants me to be a good cog in the system, make the system be less shit then. It doesn’t have to be this way. Never does. I get so angry when someone tells me “It’s just the way it is”. Don’t you have a problem with that?! Are you content just going through the motions? Fuck, I’m over it. I’m so goddamn tired. But I’m also not smart enough to see how to change things, where to start, what to do. My boss sees wasted potential, and I just see endless tiredness. He told me to make a decision. Figure out what I want in life. You know, all over a kitchen job like it’s life or death. I’ve been struggling with what I want to do since day one. Now I’ve just got to decide?! HA. Good one. I told him I want a vacation, he said we all do. And yes, we all do. I said I’ve been through hell and back in the past and this is the first time in my life I am finally looking after myself, I need a break, I need to stop for a while to figure out what I want. He says, people go through a lot worse than you every day. And yes, that is also true. He’s the best boss I’ve ever had and yet. I can’t do it anymore. Sorry, I care for my wellbeing now and that’s apparently incredibly selfish. But apparently, I’m running away in his eyes.

It’s a scary thought, going out on my own. I’m hanging on to my job because it’s security. It’s what I know, it’s stable (well, not when he cuts your hours randomly). But it’s also hurting me. A lot. I don’t fit the mold. I never have, so stop trying to contort myself into a shape that I can’t bend into. But I’m scared. But I’m also realizing quickly that it’s something I want. I’ve done things my way. Always. One of the common things I heard at school was, “It shouldn’t work, but… How…?” My Pa was an inventor. My Ma is extremely creative and a DIY queen. I come from a family that just tries things. We potter, we tinker. It’s my blood. If something doesn’t work, we try something else. I need to remember this. I need to remember. I get swept up in what others think is the right way, we’ve been taught that there’s a right way and a wrong way. If I’m going to get told off anyway, might as well do it my way.

My shrink told me; I have three options in life. Ignorance; be the perfect cog. Acceptance: see it all but go with the flow. Or… Struggle. Unfortunately, I can’t not see it, so ignorance is out. I tried acceptance and it just wore me down and I got even more jaded. So, I have to struggle. Which. Well, I guess I do that anyway. It’s harder in the long run, but so much more rewarding when you end up winning even a tiny bit. When teachers were confused when I made something work, I was proud. It was like the biggest middle finger to the world to me. I want that feeling back. And sex work, has a similar feeling. I enjoy it. It’s scary at times. But I ultimately have enjoyed it. It’s off beat, the work is spontaneous, I’ve met genuinely nice people, I’ve challenged myself and my mentality on a lot of subjects, and it’s giving me financial freedom and independence. Right now, this is what I want. I’m going on vacation in 2022 goddamn it, maybe not a cruise, but something. I’ve earnt it. So book me lol.