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Brain wank, word vomit

I dunno where I went with this one, but it now exists.


I’ve said a lot of dumb shit over the last few months especially. Learning to use your voice also means learning how to use your voice responsibility (or not), whilst still being heard and being able to play with your thoughts. And, acknowledging when you’ve fucked up, spoken out of term, upset someone, or standing strong next to your convictions and fighting for what you think is right. It’s fucking messy and uncomfortable, and frankly I hate emotions. They feel gross, they’re sticky and I hate dealing with them. And I am a coward when it comes to dealing with them with others. However, I am a human in a society, emotions are the currency that make the world go round. So, toots, better get used to it. I have trouble with truth, not in the sense of hearing it but where does it begin and where does it end? What if two people with opposing truths are both right? Multiple things can be true at once. What then? I don’t know what truth is. It seems to mean everything, and nothing but means the world to the person talking or feeling it. What if someone believes something of another that is not true but is true to them. Is it morally wrong to have a perspective that isn’t complete, that doesn’t grasp the whole about someone else? What if your lived experiences change your perspective of the same situation. That scenario hit me hard once where me and a friend entered a store, experienced the very same situation, but one of us walked out in a huff saying the cashier was rude. Had I missed something? To me no behaviour or words were said to cause any offense or was anywhere near to being rude. I spent a while after being confused and analysing if I’d read the situation wrong and trying to see it through my friends’ eyes. I just couldn’t find anything. I’m still confused till this day to be completely honest.


The bigger question as well when it comes to truth for me is, what’s right and what’s wrong. Again, as an example, is it wrong to assume something of someone, thinking it’s true, regardless of if it’s actually true or not. I love hearing people’s perspectives, their stories, thoughts and feelings. I find it fascinating. Doesn’t mean I agree with anything they say. I realised that few weeks ago in fact that this has gotten me into a lot of “trouble”. I never understood why I always got caught up in certain situations that were highly emotionally. My dumbass like’s listening to all sides. “right”, “wrong”, backwards, sideways and upside down. And through that, because I have been listening to all these sides and never either voicing my own opinions or pushing back, and even shockingly! Sometimes I even join in and follow the line of thought/conversation to see where it goes even if I don’t agree personally. Hell, sometimes you might learn something about yourself! But in doing that they automatically think you’re on the same page. I’m tried. I guess that’s a privileged tried. I get to play; I get to choose what truths I ultimately take back with me. But I’m also just very tired at trying to work out what is the truth. When there is in fact none at all, and everything at once.


This is the type of shit that goes around in my head. I guess I wouldn’t ever swap it for anything else, but an off button would be nice. It’s all a bunch of wank really. Thought Ritalin would help that, but it just takes away the singing in my head, and then I stare at wall for a while. Nice.


It’s funny when it comes to my job too. Being a whore automatically puts you in the liar’s chair. Regardless of if I mean something, I don’t mean it because I’m a whore. But if I fake it, you’re right I’m a liar and you’re proven right. They’re like “yeah, yeah, you’re just saying that…” and the unsaid thing is because it’s a paid transaction. I see a lot of people I like. Sure, some aren’t conventionally attractive and won’t be showing up in a Calvin Klien ad, doesn’t mean they’re not attractive people in their own right. I met someone recently and frankly, they were the most attractive person I’d met in a long time. I haven’t felt an instant click like that in, well, ever? My ex was great when we met, but I never clicked with him at that level. And all I have whispering in my ear is that they’re not going to believe me when I say they’re an amazing person, from what I very briefly saw, and think that I’m going to go after them for money because, well, I am a whore. I hate finding someone interesting, it fills my brain with stupidity. This newfound profession has bought an interesting problem to my door though. As the more times you say “this is the truth” usually the less believable it becomes, but they’re the ones that make you said it over and over. But my truth isn’t worth anything if you’re automatically a liar anyway cause you’re a whore. Kinda hurts when you say this was awesome, and they go “yeah, yeah, I bet you say that to every man”. I am human. While yes, I sometimes lie, it’s usually because someone has made me ride their back telling me I need to come. I say yes dear, I came multiple times. And, no, I’m not joking about that. And yes, I did say I came with sarcasm. So, I guess I didn't technically lie to that particular gent after all.


Maybe I’m just going crazy cause the D and banter was that good? I also wonder if he ever found his other death star sock while packing the rest of his things. If you read this, did you find it? It’s been bothering me.

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