It’s 11:20pm. I’m learning, or discovering more like it, that quite possibly I in fact have ADHD. I also just had coffee earlier and now I feel like I can do things and focus or fall asleep because I feel very at peace right now. But apparently writing at 11:20pm it is. It’s happening. Go with the flow, I guess. I’m glad I have the day off tomorrow, as this is probably going to be a late one. Just got to remember that I have a writing desk arriving at around 10AM and not to sleep in. I’m so excited, I’ve always wanted a writing desk, a fancy little thing. I hope (with not much hope) that I’ll actually use it to write on, and it be a centre point for sitting and writing at. Though I always find that I write the most when I’m lying down. So, we’ll see. What’s triggered this ADHD spiral? Well, my main point of extreme irritation is, I have so many things I want to do and achieve. I set out to do something and… I do something else (among many other things).
I feel like I’m watching through my own eyes as someone else takes the wheel and turns me in a different direction. And it’s so infuriating. I feel like I have no control over it and it’s so overriding that I can’t stop it. The best way to describe it is, the feeling of a magnet. When the magnets oppose each other, they can’t and absolutely will not come together. But that feeling is in your chest. Whatever task I’ve set out to do, big or small, my whole being is being repelled in the opposite direction. The amount of times I’ve been reduced to tears over just having to send a simple email for example is ridiculous. But also, the opposite is true, the magnets come together and are hard to separate. Sometimes there is a period when I do something or get fixated on something, I can’t not do it. I have to do it, or my brain will not focus on literally anything else. It takes so much space in my head that it’s unbelievably, next to impossible, not to do it or think about it. Which has seen me buy so many things I had a complete obsession on for no reason. Only to get it then not care about it a second later. I’ve been able to slowly gain control over my impulsive spending, though it’s still no where near what I want it to be, at least it’s come to a point where I’m not taking out loans anymore... Which, yes, it was that bad. It helps that I’ve become a minimalist, however, now I’m a minimalist my brain decides we need something to buy it focuses on something that is actually useful (for the most part). And when it’s a useful item, it is a lot harder to logically argue against not buying it. So, there’s that. My brain one upped itself. Great.
It's now 11:50pm. I have to check my phone fifty times too, just to check that I don’t have messages. Though, that’s probably just a phone and millennial issue. I get so bored quickly. Even half way doing two things at once. Oh, I realised, if you read my previous blog complaining about my work situation that my boss sounded exactly like my old school teachers. He’s telling me that my attitude is terrible, he can tell my heart’s is not in it, I’m running away, I’m lazy, I’ve got so much potential, blah blah (though in the same breath he’s saying I’m a great worker). I watched a video from the channel “How to ADHD” on YouTube, and one person wrote that teachers always said, bad attitude, lazy, lots of potential, easily distracted etc. I had all those terms thrown at me in school as well. But it comes down to, I was bored. I’m bored in this job too. Doesn’t mean I don’t do the work. I do the work, but it hurts to do it. No wonder I get run down so quickly. And I AM run down due to being sick for over a year, so my threshold of what I can withstand, or take, is even lower than my usual. UGH, so many things are falling into place, so quickly, it’s hard to keep up. I feel a weight lifting off my shoulders.
It’s now 12:10. My brain is tired and running out of focus. I feel it slipping. I haven’t been able to focus much at all in recent times, so I guess my span is even shorter than it was before. Now I know what the root cause of it might be. I’m going to try and chip away at it. Do some research. Try and see if I can talk to a professional. I’m sick of it ruling my life. I’m also sick of hearing that it’s because of my attitude because I try, I try so hard to do it their way. When I should have let go so long ago instead of enduring something I know in my heart that it doesn’t work for me. But society crawls into your ear and whispers to you that you’re the problem. Nope, sorry chief this ain’t it. I just work differently. Whoops. So, guess what. 2022, let’s see if my way works for once. The energy I want to bring to this year is: “I started to say sorry, but fuck that shit”, (the wise words of Iggy). I’m done apologizing for things at I shouldn’t be apologizing for (though that habit might take a while to undo sadly it’s so ingrained).
It's now 12:20AM. And I’ve written just shy of 1000 words in an hour. It’s in there. Hmm. I just got to learn the right way to unlock it, or more, flow with it. More coffee perhaps? But for now. Sleep.